on my own

For a couple of years in college, I took Tuesdays off.  I didn’t schedule any classes, I told work I was unavailable, and purposely did not commit to anything regular.  Then, on those glorious mornings, I’d wake up when I wanted to, head to a coffee shop for a while, read some of a (non-school related) book, journal, maybe drive to a nearby artsy town and look around, go to a movie by myself – basically do whatever I felt like doing for the day.  And you know what?  It was seriously great.

When Derek and I started dating, I told him that there would be times when I just wanted to be alone – to go off and do my own thing for a while, and that he should not take that as any sort of indicator of our relationship status: it was just something I needed to do to really feel like myself.  And it worked out fine while we were in school, but since graduating from college and having a “real” job, I haven’t had the luxury of having as much time to myself as I’d like, and sometimes I feel the strain of it.

Don’t get me wrong – I thrive when I’m busy.  Having 1.5 hours to work on something really motivates me to get it done, as opposed to having the entire weekend to putz around* and not actually accomplish anything.  But lately, I’ve been recognizing the fact that I have been doing, doing, doing, and have not had any time to reflect, which I think is an important part of growth.  So what does this all mean?  I don’t know – I’m trying to think through ways that I can incorporate some unstructured time into my schedule without also sacrificing things I really want to do, but that’s hard.  It also seems that the longer we live in one place, the harder it is to set time aside…we continue to make friends we want to hang out with, get involved with things we want to devote our time to, etc. and so the commitments are only growing.

Well, if I can’t vent on a blog, where can I vent, huh?  I will continue brainstorming ways to get some more time on my own – my list of books that I’d like to read is growing, as is my list of things I’d like to record in my journal (you know, the one that the whole world doesn’t have access to) and the list of teas I’d like to try at the coffee shops in town, but in the meantime, I’ll try to really live each moment and enjoy what I am doing right then.  In fact, I am very thankful to have so many wonderful blessings in my life that do demand my time, as I’m pretty sure I’d be bored out of my mind without friends, family, activities, etc. to devote myself to.

*putz around: This is a term I try not to use on a regular basis, as it makes me feel like I’m my father, but sometimes, let’s be honest, it just fits.

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